As I sat waiting for her I wondered what our conversation would be like. I recalled the warmth of her smile that I would witness occasionally on television wondering if it would emanate from her… and then she appeared and I was not disappointed.Her smile exuded innocence despite the tough cookie I kept hearing she was. It radiated openness and inclusion despite having a life that would dictate otherwise. Her smile suggested satisfaction, not in a complacent way but in a way that says I am okay with me in this moment and what you see is who I am … her energy is powerful, yet, subtle.
We hugged as if it was not the first time meeting.Just before we start she pauses to centre herself. I watch as she takes deep breaths, perhaps, to ensure that whatever will be said would allow me to experience a place that she has been, but wants me also to visit, not physically but mentally. I brace myself for what I knew instinctively would be an emotional ride, not for her, but for me who will hear it for the first time.
The central theme of Kiki’s message to all of us as women is to never quit and that there is joy beyond the past.This rings deep for her and she is the perfect example of not quitting having gone through all of what she has. Under her “girlie and sweet exterior” lies a tough cookie who fought her way through many tough challenges that is not for the faint of heart.
TBWM: So happy that you chose to share your story with us here at TheBeyondWoman. Tell me about Kiki.
She first expresses joy at being in this moment and being able to talk about what has been taking place with her since her hiatus.
Kiki: A young girl who endured physical and verbal abuse, having left home at age 15 and at a point where she needed guidance. Got arrested at age 19 had her first child at 19 (behind bars) and lost her father in a car accident . (She was released and got home on the eve of her father’s funeral). Looking back on this part of my life, I coined my own term WTF (Woman through Fire) and this is where my journey of self-discovery started.
TBWM: As a child did you have the security/stability of a nuclear family?
Kiki: I had mommy and I had daddy but this is what I have come to realise, we all are collective expressions of what our parents pour into us. So as a child we come into this world as a blank canvas, we come into this world with the purpose of God on our lives. He puts us with two people who have their own insecurities and limiting beliefs that they learned and they begin to pour into us before we have a chance to be who God created us to be.
We then start living our life based on their experiences and before you know it we are constantly asking the question, “Who Am I?” So Yes, I grew up with Mommy and daddy but I also grew up with their pain, their insecurities, their limitations and their dysfunctional version of love, but their authentic version of love nonetheless.
TBWM: I always say that there comes a time when we all recognise the inadequacies within us and we have to stop blaming our parents for what we feel they should have done or shouldn’t have done. My question is – have you gotten to a place where you can say I have forgiven them?
Kiki: In honesty there have been many layers, healing can happen overnight for some but for me, the process has been very grueling. My first layer was having been arrested and pregnant and as I recognized that I had life growing inside me it gave me a chance to really connect with my mother on a maternal level.
My journey to self-discovery and forgiveness started there and just as you say we cannot blame them, I realize holding onto that blame makes my life harder than it needs to be. I recognized that as a mother holding on to hurt can have a spiraling effect that will be passed on to my children if I do not let go of the hurt.
It’s like a cycle. Women are nurturers, we are conduits, we are the soil and men are the seed. Our responsibility is to nurture, so if you see a broken man or woman, chances are a woman influenced their lives. So equipped with that knowledge I knew I had to let go of the hurt and see the beauty of what happened and begin to empathize with my parents while understanding that they did the best that they could.
The biggest celebration is that I am here and that is all that matters, it also makes it that much easier to forgive when I realized that I have hurt others and I would want them to forgive me plus I have so many different roles as a mother, wife, woman etc. I learned to forgive in these roles and found healing.
KIKI TO HER MOM – “I thank you mom for your love, for your sacrifices and for being such a fighter. I am proud of you and I would never change having you as my mom for the world. I love you!“
TBWM: Let’s talk about your healing journey. You have been on this journey since age 18; at what point did transformation take place?
Kiki: The beauty of my story is that I knew God was real, I met him at a very young age and my mother was a believer and a praying woman.
TBWM: Quick interjection –were you rebellious?
Kiki: I think teens that come from dysfunction tend to be rebellious. I learned at a very young age not to fear consequences and to push back, most times not caring. Thankfully I had my own personal close encounter with God after a beating from my dad.
TBWM: What age was that?
Kiki: You know what, I try not to refer to things finitely, when you are in abusive situation things can get sketchy but I would say between ages 7 & 15. I was crying out to God and it was as if a voice said, “Do not worry it will be okay, no matter what, it is going to be okay”. That was the singular message that carried me through every situation.
My transformation into Christianity was a call from God and I cannot say I was ready for Him but He was ready for me. My turn around did not happen overnight, even though I was called, I was still grappling with life but I had to go through the process. What I learned is that we can’t try to be good Christians because even our best is like filthy rags on to the Lord so we have to learn how to do our best but rest in the Lord. I have been a poor
example and a good example of a Christian. I have had to go through my process which at times was complete chaos. There were times I felt like taking my life, calling it quits but instinctively, I have always held on to the one thing “Do not worry Kerie, it’s going to be okay.”
TBWM: I believe if we ask others around us, there is that one line that he gives all of us to remind us that He is with us.
Kiki: Yes I too believe that he gives us something to hold on to, something that is there tailor made for us to carry us through.
TBWM: What parenting approach do you use with your children based on what you have been through?Her face lights up as she begins to talk about her children.
Kiki: I had my first child in jail so I did not get the chance to raise my first son. I then had my second child out of wedlock and it was unexpected, and a very confusing time for me. He is really my second child but first in the sense that He was my first chance at really being a mother, it was a very rough time in my life.
I was a single mother and based on my job I was not able to work because no one wants to see a pregnant Kiki, I ballooned to 200lbs (laugh) I was alone; I had to move out of where I was living because I could no longer afford it. God provided a blessing and a friend of mine took me in and gave me her bedroom. When my son was born it was like trial and error for me, I had no clue what I was doing but I was about to figure it out (Laughter).
TBWM: No support system from your mom?
Kiki: At that time, not really, I have been on my own since age 15 so it was baptism by fire. The things that they do not put in the books that they should put in the books, is pretty much what I had to learn. I made a lot of mistakes and he is the son that reminds me of me, he is the son that God gave me to heal me. He is demanding, relentless, makes me want to tear my hair out at times and say “I cannot do this, but he is the son that received the most honesty from me. He has the biggest heart and personifies tenacity – he is my “parry”, “my ride or die”.
He knows that I am not perfect and expresses patience with me as much as I do with him. He understands that I am working through a lot of stuff to be a better person and mother to him and I take responsibility for my mistakes telling him not to take them personally because they have nothing to do with him and we go and grow through life together with love. He is 10.
With my third son who is 7, I got the hang of being a mommy, I was able to step back and accept him for who he is. I look at both of them and notice the differences in personality and temperament. I think it’s a major responsibility for parents to observe who their kids are and it is sad when we rob them of their God-given right to be who they are supposed to be. I know I cannot do parenting alone, no amount of apologizing or correcting can help and so I need God and I allow Him to do His best.
TBWM: You mentioned earlier that there was a point where you felt you were the worst example of Christian because of the things you were still doing. Do you feel the same way now?
Kiki: In this moment I am where I am supposed to be, I have my moments of weakness but Am I where I was 3 years ago? Definitely not, but I am still a work in progress.
TBWM: You are in media, how does this impact where you are now as a Christian?
Kiki: I give God thanks because prior to my Christian walk there was no compromise with my integrity and who I was in the name of media. Now I exercise greater judgement in my choices when I’m called to do a show, but if God says I should go then I would. When I left media, persons thought I was leaving because I became a Christian. They would come up to me and say “you know you could still host the show.” The truth is I did not leave for that reason, I left because God told me to move and when God tells you to move – You move, I learned that earlier.
TBWM: I know that too well, having left the corporate world. Is that when you took your hiatus?
Kiki: Yes. Now that my hiatus is pretty much on the end there is a new version of me. I am writing my first book and I will head back in to television only if God says so. If I do people will get a chance to see a new side of me for them, but authentic to who I am. I have never had formal training in media; I have just been paying my dues and learning over the last 16 years and I know that is God’s handy work.
TBWM: Wow, no background, clearly this was positioning and preparation for bigger things.
Kiki: Yes, I believe so. I realise with this preparation it will now allow me to be purposeful. Prior to now I could get into a role requested of me but not in a meaningful way as I would be able to do moving forward. Now I will open my mouth and allow God’s will to come through. Being able to deliver in a more authentic way, I see it as a huge and responsibility that I would not want to do on my own. God’s will be done.
TBWM: Nike has a tagline just do it, what would your tagline be as you think of yourself in the now.
Kiki: Submit, yield, and do not give up.
TBWM: Any pet peeve? Should Christians have a pet peeve or should we be accepting and patient?
Kiki: I’m going to give the human answer and the godly answer. I don’t think it is right to have a pet peeve because we are all work in progress. If I should have one, it is people who need to work on themselves but are too engrossed in their pain and blaming others.
TBWM: Leave us with a favorite bible verse.
Kiki: 1 Corinthians 13 – if we are not giving ourselves and others that kind of love or receiving it then we need to check ourselves. I am working on that myself.
Words of wisdom from Kerie
We have to be careful as Christians as we pursue our purpose, whatever you feel you are called to do. We cannot launch out before God or we will make mistakes, not just personally but for others around us because of the influence we are carry. Don’t quit – When we are transformed and going through the process that’s the best example that we can give to others and so we absolutely should not quit.
TBWM: Light moment, seeing that we are wrapping up, what’s your favorite color and why?
Kiki: I love white although they say it’s a shade not a color but have you ever seen when the light hits an all white event? …I also love purple – no affiliation to Kingston College (a high school in Jamaica) but I just love it because its royal and I like it.
TBWM: What brings you joy.
Kiki: Might sound like a cliché but knowing God, knowing that I have him and the peace of mind that comes from him. Knowing where I am coming from it’s a huge thing to have peace and that brings me joy. Seeing where I am with my mother, my husband, my children and my loved ones let’s me bask in God’s glory. I am surrounded by love.
I make all attempts to no longer take the struggles of life personally, I just say God I need you and with you by my side I will not quit!
