Written by: Joniel Gyles
Ever wished you knew what was going on in the mind of a man? Well, you’re not alone. In a culture that generally dictates that men should not be vocal about their feelings, it’s not surprising that as women we at times find ourselves in endless guessing games, trying to figure out what men really want. Unfortunately, there is no magical formula, no Mission Impossible quest to figure out what men want. The good news though is that it’s as simple as understanding that men have simple needs.
Putting aside obvious gender differences, physical appearance, and psychological responses, we are left with some basics that make us similar in more ways than some would like to admit. Men are emotional beings too! Say you saw it here first.
Contrary to popular belief men in some regards aren’t as different from women as we make them out to be. In fact American Psychologist, Abraham Maslow hit the nail right on the head in his hierarchy of needs where he summed up human needs as follows: physiological, safety, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. With this primary knowledge we are better equipped to cater to the needs of our men, but in the same breath, what better way to know for sure than to hear it from the men themselves?
TheBeyondWoman caught up with a few men and here’s what they had to say:
“Are you home yet?” Jermaine, 32 Indicating to any man that you are interested in his safety is always a plus. It shows care and deep concern not just about his security but more importantly his existence. This shows that his overall presence in your life is valuable. Many times, they are usually the ones asking this question but reciprocating this concern goes a far way.
“Have you had anything to eat yet?” Jermaine, 32 They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I’ve often joked with different male friends that I’d prefer the responsibility of clothing to feeding them. With the exception of a few, men love food. Asking if a man is hungry is another way of saying I love you.
“Being with you makes me happy”, Omar, 38 In his book Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, popular comedian, radio personality, and sitcom host, Steve Harvey, stated that, “men are driven by who they are, what they do and how much they make.” Men measure their effectiveness and value in a relationship by the impact they make. And essentially part of feeling needed is determined by their ability to make you happy. So, the next time he gets you gifts, whether it is flowers, chocolate or sweets be sure to make him know how happy he made you – Thank You can never be enough.
“I commit myself in faithfulness to you”, Tafari, 26 Sharing is caring, but, in this instance, it’s nothing short of disrespect and disregard for your relationship. When it comes to a relationship, most men thrive on exclusivity unless agreed otherwise. Men like to know that you’re faithful and committed to them only. Any deviation from this will be a betrayal of trust and will ultimately spell disaster in your relationship.
“I promise to be kind and compassionate”, Tafari, 26 The last thing any guy wants is to feel like he’s dating another man. Men are seen as the more aggressive sex, aggressive in the sense of being more assertive. Overt aggression from a woman is usually a turn-off and is often seen as a threat to their masculinity. While some men like the ambitious go-getter that we can be they prefer it when we are sweet, gentle, calm, cool, and collected. It brings across a feminine aura that makes them feel comfortable and at ease around us. So lay low on the arguing, complaining, nagging, emasculating criticising, and find creative ways to express displeasure.
“I love you”, Jason, 43 Cliché, right? But men actually want to hear those three little words too. “I love you” is one of the most basic forms of affirmation, yet to date remains one of the most powerful. Saying those words and backing them up with thought-out actions along with other spontaneous displays of affection is sure to get his attention. Men will definitely notice and will often match this with gestures to show their appreciation. While men often suppress their emotions so as to not appear weak, once you get a man to open up he often does his affection quite generously.
“I will support you to ensure you’re the best version of yourself”, Andre, 24 Be his cheerleader; don’t be shy about letting him know that you’ve got his back. In the face of doubt or fear, knowing he’ll have your shoulder to lean on will help him to overcome almost any storm. Help him to work towards achieving his dreams as if they were your own, wherever you can’t render physical assistance, pray for him. There are times you might be unsure how to approach a situation where you perceive he may need help, a good way to do this is to say, “I see it is taking you a long time to complete than it normally does, if there is anything I can do to help?” Saying this in the right way is important as men often refuse to ask for help or deny that they need help in the first place.
“Looking real sexy”, Chris, 29 Whether it’s going to the barber every weekend to make sure those edges are razor sharp, doing sit-ups and crunches daily, or pairing their Tee with the perfect pair of jeans, men also put in the effort to make sure they’re looking their best on any given day. Men love being complimented on these little things, his haircut, his shoes, his body, tell him he’s looking sexy today. Genuine compliments whether they are about his physical appearance, his character, or his personality is what we’re going for. So, the next time your heart skips a beat because of that cologne he’s wearing let him know.
“I respect you”, Smithy, 39 Men speak a language of respect many of us have failed to understand. In fact, it has been debated for centuries that men value respect over love. Whichever comes first on their list is of little concern compared to showing it, but hey, let’s not major in the minor. For ages, we’ve used the concept of “doing unto others as you would have them do unto you” to sum up the idea of mutual respect but there’s so much more to it.
In the context of respect, so many more conditions apply, we first need to get to know our men, their likes, and their dislikes and thereafter do our best not to intentionally do things that we know they consider disrespectful. Creative coordination is what I like to call it – Need I say more?! The goal at the end of the day is not to undermine his masculinity.
“I appreciate you for who you are”, Smithy, 39 Understand that your man is unique; you will never find another John, another Nick, another Larry. One of the worst things a woman could ever do is to directly or indirectly compare her man to another, especially her ex; any
comparison along those lines is like a kick straight to the crotch. Men like to know that you appreciate them for who they are and that you are satisfied with what they bring to the table; quirks, peeves, you name it, don’t try to change him. If you realize there’s an area he might be struggling with, try to inspire change by being an example. Never try to shove that change down his throat. Gag reflexes are no fun and can get messy. Be his friend not his momma!
“That feels really good”, Horace, 22 Whether it’s a massage, a nice foot rub, or even some action in the bedroom, verbalizing that ecstatic feeling lets your man know that he’s connecting with all the right places for you. This will not only motivate him to repeat this gesture in the future, but it will also help in creating a stronger bond with you. These verbal cues help to point him to erogenous zones which will ensure maximum pleasure in any experience and will make him eager and excited to please you!
We hope these takeaways will help to make your interactions with men more meaningful and add some zest where needed.
A few books that we thought might shed some more light on this topic are The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man, by Steve Harvey. As well as, What Every Woman Wants in a Man/What Every Man Wants in a Woman: 10 Essentials for Growing Deeper in Love |10 Qualities for Nurturing Intimacy by John Hagee, Diana Hagee.
