Contributed by CarlaGaye Peterkin, Financial Advisor
She found the second credit card statement tucked away in a coat pocket; she wasn’t actively searching for anything specific. After seven years of marriage, she had no idea it even existed. It wasn’t because he was concealing a wrongdoing; he simply hadn’t found the right moment to bring it up. Then, as time went by, that moment never came.
This is the part that often gets overlooked when it comes to money and relationships. It’s not the debt itself that usually causes a rift; it’s the silence surrounding it.
Money plays a crucial role in growth, aspirations, and a healthy partnership, which is why it must be discussed. There’s a moment in most marriages when two people know more about each other’s coffee order than their credit score. We ask what someone wants in a partner, but we rarely ask what they owe. And by the time the real questions get asked, they’re not questions anymore. They’re arguments.
Here are the ones I wish more people asked early.
What does money mean to you?
Not your income—your relationship with it. Whether it means safety, freedom, control, or love. Two people can earn the same salary and still be financially incompatible because one spends to feel alive while the other saves to feel safe.
What are you carrying that I can’t see?
Debt? A struggling parent? A business quietly bleeding cash?
Nobody offers this freely. It has to be asked before it becomes someone else’s problem, too. Debt, in particular, tends to hide in plain sight: student loans from a degree that didn’t pan out, a car payment on something that’s already been traded in, or money owed to a family member that never made it onto paper. It rarely shows up as one big confession. It shows up in fragments over the years—unless someone asks directly.
Is it your money, my money, or our money?
Some couples merge everything. Some keep separate accounts and split the bills. Some do a mix. There’s no correct answer, but there is a wrong way to arrive at it: by default, without ever actually deciding. Couples who never explicitly choose tend to drift into a dynamic where whoever earns more has more say, which breeds resentment neither person can quite name. Be mindful of lopsided situations: his money becomes our money, but her money stays hers, or vice versa. This imbalance often goes unaddressed, which is why it needs to be openly discussed.
What happens to my money if this ends?
Not romantic, but necessary. A prenuptial agreement, or a well-defined written understanding, safeguards both the relationship and your finances. This is crucial, as resentment can flourish in silence.
Who decides, and how?
Not just who pays the bills, but who has the final say when you disagree. Many couples fail to establish this dynamic until they’re already fighting over it. Reflect on your upbringing: What did money look like in the house you grew up in? Most financial habits are often learned behavior. The individual who becomes anxious about a late payment, versus the one who remains indifferent, is typically not irresponsible. They are likely following a pattern established long before your paths crossed. The person who panics over a missed payment and the person who shrugs it off usually isn’t careless or reckless. They’re repeating a script written long before you met.
A few things worth doing—and a few worth avoiding.
Do
- Discuss finances early on. Addressing money matters before things get serious can minimize potential costs.
- View financial disclosure as a form of intimacy, not an interrogation.
- Document agreements in writing, even those that feel uncomfortable. This isn’t a sign of distrust; it’s a decision made with clarity rather than emotion.
- Deliberately choose your financial arrangement, whether it’s separate, joint, or blended.
- Approach debt like your health: treat it as an ongoing check-in rather than a one-off confession.
- If financial literacy isn’t your strength, consider hiring a financial advisor or planner. Treat your financial planning with the same care you would give to organizing a wedding or planning a vacation.
Don’t
- Wait for a crisis to spark the conversation. Trust can suffer immensely when a missed payment speaks louder than words.
- Assume that love will balance your differences. If left unaddressed, financial incompatibility only grows worse.
- Maintain financial secrets in the name of peace. This kind of tranquility eventually comes with a hefty price.
- Allow shame to dictate your choices. Often, the hidden debt itself doesn’t end a marriage; it’s the uncertainty that does.
Marriages rarely fall apart because of debt or purchases. They fall apart over what the silence around them comes to mean. Right now, a couple insists their marriage is strong; there are no arguments, red flags, or anything tangible to critique. Yet, within that same relationship, one partner may be quietly harboring a figure the other has never seen: a balance, a debt, or a financial worry they believe is not worth the discomfort of discussing. They aren’t being dishonest; they’re simply waiting for a more opportune moment, which will likely never come on its own. This is worth contemplating. It’s seldom the money itself that breaks a marriage; it’s the realization that one partner has been making private decisions for years while masking it as love.
Ask now. Not because something is wrong, but because nothing has gone wrong …yet.
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