At some point in life we have been warned to be wary of men who have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for excessive attention, troubled relationships and a lack of empathy for others. Sounds familiar? That’s because I’ve just described a narcissist. We tip toe around these men while unknowingly fall into the snares of their female counterparts.
Yes, female narcissists exist. Despite psychologists find that men tend to be more narcissistic than women, we have crossed paths with many female narcissists who we’ve ignorantly described as “feisty”, “sweet”, “go-getters” when in fact, they are really “insulting”, “pretentious” and “conniving”.
Your female family member, friend or even your boss may be a narcissist. Here are 7 signs that you are dealing with one.
1. She is self righteous
That friend who thinks very highly of herself to the point where she devalues others, including you. She constantly reminds you of your flaws in a priggish demeanor, is very argumentative and will cut you off during friendly debates as she believes her views are inherently superior. In an effort to maintain a high positive image of herself, she sees everyone as stupid and refuses to believe she can do wrong. People’s downfall excites her. Interestingly, she is a sore loser who humiliates when she loses and excessively gloats when she wins.
One psychologist, Craig Malkin, shared that those who believe they are superhumanly generous or empathic are called communal narcissists.
2. She is vindictive
This female narcissist has no guilt or remorse for she constantly feels wronged. Her warped feelings are wrapped up in self righteousness and give way to cruel actions that sever bonds. The lack of object constancy makes the process easier. According to Psychology Today, object constancy is the ability to maintain positive feelings for someone while you are hurt, angry, frustrated or disappointed with their behavior. For this friend, every argument becomes a potential for breakup. Only the negative feelings in the moment are focused on and as such, she can quickly move on from the relationship with of course, no guilt or remorse.
3. She is attention-seeking and jealous
Have you ever found yourself substituting your need for space with that friend’s need for attention? You barely have time to pet your dog because it’s all about her! She is entitled to all recognition and has a grandiose sense of self. 95% of your conversations are centered on her and she is absent-minded in the other 5%. Your female cousin, who schemes to befriend only her influential coworkers has placed them on a pedestal. She hopes to be “perfect” by association. It may seem that she is simply admiring them but her admiration bears an undercurrent of jealousy. Furthermore, she can get access to personal information through the “friendship”, to later use to manipulate, threaten or devalue these said coworkers.
4. She loves to manipulate
Whether by wielding outstanding appearance or high intellect, a female narcissist seeks to gain dominance in any setting. She often, uses her sexuality to her advantage. Watch out for the coworker who uses her degrees and credentials to hypercriticize and taunt those who are steadily climbing the success ladder, or worse, the new incumbent who is already favoured by the boss. Threats and insults are urled at those who threaten her ego. Another weapon of control is decision making. She enjoys telling people what to do as well as having them depend on her. Chronic lateness and calls to change plans are some surefire tactics.
5. She loves to guilt trip
Another form of manipulation, guilt tripping, makes you second guess yourself. “Why would you abandon me at a time like this?”, “You are just as mean as them”, “Fine, don’t talk to me again!” are the utterances from your friend after you have caringly pointed out an issue to her. You are blindsided and quite confused by her words and so you remind her that you are a friend till the end and quickly put the issue behind. You have just been the latest victim of classic projection. Remember, she is never wrong and so everyone else will be blamed. She will keep you around until she needs you no more but best believe that if you end the relationship, she will never accept fault.
6. She maintains weak relationships
A female narcissist will not entertain relationships where they are held accountable. They need us to inflate their ego with positive reinforcement. Remember a time when you were having a heart to heart moment with your friend but it was one-sided- you know, when only you were pouring out your heart? Has it been so many times to count? Your friend loves to change the topic whenever feelings come up, especially your feelings because emotions make her vulnerable and weak. Your feelings are triggering hers but she will repress them to keep the upper-hand in the bond.
She loves weak relationships so she can take advantage of people who double their efforts to keep her seated on her high horse. Relationships are transactional and will end once resources are depleted, then the next friend is trapped and victimized.
7. She is a serial romantic
Romantic relationships are formed quickly and end easily. They usually begin with “love bombing”-Â grooming unsuspecting partners by giving gifts and attention and trapping them in a relationship they barely expected. Similarly, they trap friends by preying on their needs. Female narcissists will cheat once they think their partners are committed but will ironically get angry if the partners give attention to anything other than them. Silent treatment and other forms of abuse are punishment. Many men suffer at the hands of female narcissists- literally.
They may also jump boundaries and prey on your significant other. Being vindictive, jealous and manipulative does not help this situation.
After reading about these signs, you may feel like you need discernment to recognize any female narcissist in your circle. Some female narcissist may have disarmingly sweet personalities while others are outright rancorous, egocentric and offensive.
Persons may have narcissistic traits but do not have narcissistic personality disorder. In any case, you need to set boundaries and maintain them. Deal with any feelings of discomfort. Your relationship with a true friend, caring family member and inspiring boss will never leave you feeling drained and your needs unmet.
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