Contributed by A. Buchanan-Henry
The other day I had an unsettling experience that left me more than a little conflicted as I sought to provide some comfort to a distraught colleague. I offered her a hug which she readily accepted, and for a moment, her grief became my grief, although I had yet to learn the source of her pain. Head buried between my neck and shoulders she wept, silently but intensely. Before long, we were both in tears.
After a bit of back-patting and repeated assurance, she was more composed. Then without any prodding, she started sharing. In a nutshell, her partner of 10 years had decided he no longer wanted to continue their relationship. He instead wanted to commit himself solely to his wife of 12 years and their kids (who I understand were unaware of his extramarital activities). She (my colleague) couldn’t understand why he would want to spoil the ‘good’ thing they had, but she was sure ” The woman” (her term, for the wife), could not satisfy him the way she could.
She revealed her story via words muffled by sobs and snubs, words that conveyed so colorfully, to say the least, an undeniable repugnancy for the innocent partner (the wife). As she went on and on, it occurred to me that she was either totally oblivious or just had no regard that the person in whose bosom she nestled wore a wedding band.
This experience got me thinking, where does one draw the line? When is it appropriate to ignore the suffering of a woman familiar to us, one that we call a friend, a family member, or a colleague, in defense of one we do not know?
In a world where it seems, there is an unspoken code of honor among males to turn a blind eye to the infidelity of their sexes. A world that ‘big up’ a man who sleeps with another man’s wife and he is then esteemed by his peers as ‘the man’, and he is greeted with fist bumping and admiring pats on the back. Can this exist for a woman—is it one of those hush-hush secrets kept in the dark? Are we expected to be equally supportive of our female counterparts who do the same? Should our focus be, not on the source of their happiness but that they are happy, and then in a situation like this— should we not focus on the root of their pain or should we offer comfort blindly?
Since that encounter, I have thought about it a bit, and I do not feel comfortable being the confidant of any party in such a situation, nor do I feel it is my place to call out someone for how they choose to live their life. As a wife, all I can do is hope my husband loves and respects me and my children enough to be faithful to our union. And hope I am strong enough to do what I need to if he is not—forgive or move on.
If this distraught woman was your friend, what would you do? Leave us a comment below, we want to hear your take.
In my opinion, this is a well written article and I strongly support the writer’s view. However, one has to be mindful of how deeply involved one gets, as too deep can cause the one giving support to take on negative energy. Hence my view is give support but distant self so you dont get stifled by other persons problems.
Thanks for writing in Maxine, We do agree, As women supporting each other we should be able to speak to each other in love, make clear our position and move it along and not remain quiet because we do not want to ruffle feathers.
Yes I like it, I often ask the same thing why does a woman do this to another woman.
Tanya, thank you for leaving us your comment. Only the one in the position can answer….:-)
I had the exact same situation a few years ago with my best friend. She knew I was Catholic and that I frowned upon what she was doing with someone else’s husband. To top it off, she worked with him, so there was a strong possibility that she could seriously screw up her job if anyone found out.
I found your story very well written and I know it is individual choice, however, the chances of him leaving the wife for the lover are not high and then what is to stop him from doing the exact same thing once you are an official couple?
Yes, it takes two to tango but where do we draw the line when it comes to trying to steal someone else’s partner? What does that say about you?
Thank you for sharing Teresa. Ahhh we hope your comment will stir a woman to think …..
It’s a very harsh world and Jamaica is in my view a very difficult place to find a good solid relationship. I’m not the one to judge, individuals have their own circumstances, their own experiences and to an extent their own beliefs. In a situation such as that mentioned on the article, why is it so easy to point a finger at the female when it is in fact the man that is married, the man that joined a covenant, the man is the one cheating, the that “lure” this beautiful black woman into a world of infidelity. My point is this woman perhaps entered in this union with a man not genuinely knowing of his marital status and probably after learning the truth because to attach.
I will support my friend just because she suffers.
Hey Vee, We understand your sentiment, there was no finger pointing though, at least I did not get that from the writer. I think she shared based on her own position as a married woman that she would not support the friend. Similarly you have stated you would support your friend and why you would do so. We encourage a judgment free zone but do understand the sensitivity and the difficulty of what is being discussed. We also understand and will respect each person’s viewpoint. So thank you for writing in and sharing in on the conversation.
Plus the wife knew and still decided to continue the marriage! Now if the wife was my friend I would definitely have a different point of view.
I could go on and on but I’ll end it here
As a woman I believe in supporting other women the world is already too harsh on us.
Two questions for you Vee, why would your opinion differ if the wife was your friend and would you not want to extend that feeling towards every woman?