As I finalized the outline for this article, my husband came home and gave me a bag with shirts he received as gifts. I burst out laughing when I unfolded and held up the first shirt- a bold, bright yellow one with the words “Good Vibes Only” printed front and center. I had to explain my outburst when he gave me the most puzzling look.
We are overwhelmed with positivity, from talk shows to t-shirts, and we face a barrage of quotes and advice on how to be and remain positive. This culture, known as Toxic Positivity, is quite popular because, in our quest to see the bright side of all things, we discover ways to become immune to negativity. Negativity should never exist, and we must never experience it. It was rather difficult for me to understand why such a term existed—how can positivity be negative? When positivity becomes dismissive, avoidant, and forced, it is toxic; it damages us and our relationships as it promotes mental and emotional repression.
The popular and sought-after therapist Whitney Goodman shared in her 2002 book, Toxic Positivity, Keeping it real in a world obsessed with being happy, that “[t]oxic positivity denies an emotion and forces us to suppress it. Whenever we use toxic positivity, we tell ourselves and others that a certain emotion should not exist; it is wrong, and if we try a little harder, we can eliminate it.” It comes across as a lack of empathy when we respond to others or our own difficult experiences from our discomfort with or ignorance of reality.
Here are eight signs we practise toxic positivity.
1. Repeatedly forcing a positive outlook.
Statements: Always look for the positive. Look on the brighter side of things. Everything happens for a reason.
It is advantageous to have a positive outlook; however, a forced positive outlook when your feelings are the opposite does more harm than good. A million motivational quotes and positivity memes will never solve life’s problems and make you happy. Very few of them, if any, normalize the challenges you face and therefore leave you feeling isolated. Furthermore, not all problems or people are alike.
Instead: Acknowledge that life has ups and downs, and both are inevitable and necessary. Seek strategies to navigate and process the downs once you have identified them.
2. Using platitudes
Statements: Time heals all wounds. Failure is not an option. What does not kill you makes you stronger.
Mirriam-Webster dictionary defines platitude as a “banal, trite, or stale remark” (https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/platitude). At best, platitudes are empty and useless and at worst, disingenuous and apathetic.
We use platitudes when words elude us, when we want to end a conversation or when we are uncomfortable. By using false reassurances, we minimize the experiences of others who turn to us to relay serious, emotional, traumatic situations.
Instead: Be genuine and realistic. Avoid blanket optimism.
3. Feeling guilty for experiencing difficult emotions
Statements: You should be grateful that,,. You don’t need to cry.
As a result of a forced positive outlook, I had a public meltdown and could not understand the guilt that ensued at the time. We have been encouraged to share positive feelings and apologize for the negative ones. The fact that we refer to some emotions as ‘negative’ is a major reason toxic positivity remains. We are socialized to think that our thoughts create our well-being. If we are not feeling well, we are not thinking positively enough. There is the apprehension to identify with a negative thought or feeling because nothing positive can come from it.
Instead: Understand that sadness, anger, fear, and anxiety are normal responses to what is happening. Develop emotional agility. An example of emotional agility is being grateful to have children but also accepting that motherhood is challenging.
4. Suppressing or denying tough emotions or situations
Statements: It will all get better. Think positive. Get on with it.
True happiness doesn’t come from suppressing negative emotions and touting feel-good statements but rather leaning into what we’re authentically feeling in the moment and accepting all of our emotions, both positive and negative.
(https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/well-being/toxic-positivity)
It proves counterproductive to ignore difficult emotions and situations. These help us to know our values, dangers, and discomfort and give us insight into possible solutions leading to our resilience and creative, critical thinking.
Instead: Feel all your emotions as they are information and tools to navigate life. Be open to changes in your pursuit of happiness.
5. Encouraging our children to express certain emotions.
Statements: Man up. Big girls don’t cry.
Weak men show fear.
In the article,‘ What you Need to Know about Toxic Positivity’, we learn that engendering emotions is a form of toxic positivity. Boys are socialized to express emotions that reflect power like anger, and girls to express less powerful emotions like empathy. Conversely, society generally frowns when men show sadness and when women show indignation.
(https://rightasrain.uwmedicine.org/mind/well-being/toxic-positivity)
Instead: Teach our children how to express all emotions and to deal with them rather than avoid them. Do not dismiss any emotion simply because of someone’s gender.
6. Avoiding taking responsibility/ Gaslighting.
Statements: Do not dwell on bad experiences. You did not try hard enough. Do not focus on the problems. You are sensitive/ dramatic/ overreacting. The onus is on you to ensure all goes well.
Spouses, parents, managers, bosses, friends, and even you use these statements to gaslight you into thinking the fault is yours. You need to change your state of mind to make it all better. You often feel judged and ashamed. Your problem or concern has been avoided, or no solutions offered. If you have been frowned upon for highlighting a negative situation at work, become accustomed to a chaotic work or home environment by focusing only on the positives or justify you being mistreated and disrespected or you disrespecting someone, you are surrounded by toxic positivity.
Instead: Stand up for yourself. Do not consent to ill-treatment. Practise open communication at your workplace or within your relationships. Actively listen to concerns and show empathy.
7. Displaying a positive facade or always can-do attitude
Statements: Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Get it done no matter what. You’ll do a way better job than me. Fake it till you make it.
Do you usually show up to work with a broken heart, unclear mind, and a constant smile? Or share positive quotes and photos to falsely project your life as perfect? Do you experience burnout from regularly pleasing people? If you answered yes to any or all of the above, you suffer from toxic positivity. Manipulators love your vulnerability.
Instead: Know that acknowledging pain, fear, and disappointment does not mean you have a negative attitude or that you are weak. Take a break from showing up until you have dealt with these emotions.
Establish boundaries. Take a break from social media to avoid comparisons with the best versions of other people.
8. Giving someone perspective without validating their experience.
Statements: It could be worse. At least you have…Do you know how many people would want your job/ your life….?
The sharing of positive perspectives usually comes from good intentions, however, people need support and space to sort out their feelings until they can see from those perspectives. “When we show up authentically, rather than using toxic positivity, we validate what the other person is going through as real, empathizing and not sugarcoating or denying their experience. You are saying that you hear them by sitting with them and allowing them to show up fully (in a safe way that does not violate your boundaries, of course).” (Goodman, W. 2002)
Instead: Bond with someone by sitting in their grief, sadness, or anger with them. Listen and validate their feelings.
In a world of positivity, let us remember that negative situations and emotions do exist. Some experiences are just challenging, and that’s OK. Practise empathy, mindfulness, active listening, and creating boundaries so that you or others do not feel misunderstood, invalidated, dismissed, unheard, ashamed, or judged.
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I enjoy reading this ” 8 Signs Of Toxic Positivity And How To Avoid Each” as I sat in front of my computer reading this knowing that my darling dear Nice wrote this . She expounded on positivity in such a positive way . We can look on the brighter side of things in a positive way. This was well spoken my dear.
Thank you for writing in, we value your feedback. And yes it is a well-written article that forces us to think about how we live “positively”. Are we creating more harm to ourselves than we are good?