“Listen! You are a masterpiece, no matter how broken you think you are. Even if these mistakes have become ingrained in your being, and you want to change, there’s hope. “
It comes with the territory; once there’s breath in your body, regardless of your age, chances are you’ll make a few mistakes, and that’s perfectly okay. When these mistakes only affect you, it’s not too bad. However, sometimes you’re not so fortunate, and your errors have consequences that impact other people, such as cheating on or lying to your partner. You want to do the ‘adult thing,’ take responsibility, and ‘fess up,’ but you’re probably out there cringing, wishing the ground would open and swallow you, right? Been there? You start retracing your steps (how, exactly?), thinking back a thousand times about what you could have done or said differently. Finding things you could have tweaked is somewhat comforting, but the real blow comes when you realize you didn’t do EVERYTHING to avoid the situation, and that condemnation and guilt hit you as hard as a brick to the face. I learned that the hard way, here’s what I also learned:
Shame and guilt weigh you down
When you constantly carry the guilt and shame of your actions, it begins to take a toll on you. Everyone around you becomes a suspect, and you wonder if your behavior is giving you away. This often fills your interactions with anxiety and sometimes even leads to projection, where you accuse or suspect others of the same ‘crimes’ you’ve committed. Forgive yourself, Sis, confess if you need to, and, above all, let go of that baggage. You were meant to soar, and that’s why you need to keep your spirit light. Birds are lightweight for a reason — to soar. Yes, guilt and shame can affect you emotionally, causing depression, resentment, and paranoia. They may also manifest physically with symptoms like lethargy, insomnia, and muscle tension. The deed is done; do what needs to be done—apologize, confess, heal—and step away, letting it be. Think of your mistake as a completed action with consequences, and believe that you will be ready to deal with whatever comes your way. Face the music; don’t run from it. The music may be a barrage of ‘choice words,’ but people are entitled to their anger. Remember, even this too shall pass.
One apology is enough
They heard you the first time, Sis; there’s no need to keep apologizing. If you choose not to apologize again, chances are they already understand why. Often, we end up overexplaining and over-apologizing for things that didn’t even require an apology. Own your truth and let people be accountable for how they show up and interact with you; it’s only fair, as it takes two to tango.
Why is it that some people never see the monster in you? Well, ‘Lord Jojo’ only comes out to play when people forget themselves. It’s not all you, Sis; certain people have a tendency to provoke you, and that’s on them. Yes, you may have reacted emotionally, but they also chose to do things that triggered that reaction. If you poke a lion, you may get bitten, and that’s on ‘Mary had a little lion.’ Let them go and do their own healing for a change. Also, please, please don’t be out here overextending yourself ad nasuem to get back in people’s good graces. Trust me, even your partners will abuse it; they’re human too. At some point, you just have to stop and give both of you time and space to process what happened.
You can condemn yourself or give yourself grace
Hopefully, I’m not the first to tell you this, but lying or cheating does not make you a liar or a cheater any more than being in a garage makes you a car. You are not defined by what you did. Are you going to allow these negative behaviors to become habits, or are you going to nip them in the bud by addressing them? The choice is always yours. People will almost always see you the way you see yourself or how you consistently show up to the world. But enough about people—how do you view yourself? Don’t trade your sense of self for negative labels; negative labeling only reinforces negative behaviors. Mistakes will happen; learn from them and grow, but don’t let them define you.
Listen! You are a masterpiece, no matter how broken you think you are. Even if these mistakes have become ingrained in your being, and you want to change, there’s hope. Wanting to change is the first step towards transformation. You may need help, so don’t let pride get in your way. Surround yourself with people who can support your growth in the areas you’re working on.
If you have a friend who always makes excuses, no matter how wrong they are, it might be time to create some distance. The fact is, ‘when you work out with a partner, you’re likely to feel more motivated’ (www.cdc.gov). The same goes for almost anything you do in a group. Find your tribe to strengthen your resolve and keep moving forward. You’ve got this!
