by Stacy-Ann Smith (M.A. Licensed Counsellor)

“There’s a prevailing mindset which demands that correcting others always be done in a delicate encouraging way so that people don’t feel hurt… I believe in gentle, encouraging confrontation as the primary default for confronting – but I also believe there is a time and place for the rebuke, and a rebuke speaks differently than a correction or merely addressing an issue.” – Bruce Lengeman, Business Consultant & Pastor.

Once a little girl came to see me with tears streaming down her face. She had done her best to keep her composure, but here in this safe place, she poured out her angst. What was it? She told a friend that she didn’t like her attitude and now her entire friend group had isolated her in the space of two days. In my office, she was planning how to make new friends because addressing the issue with her friends would only exacerbate the isolation and increase the mean responses of the group. This was one of a stream of cases that came to my office. I noticed a trend of friendships being changed like snap chat filters and alliances being broken without hope of repair. The reason for the termination – rebuke.

When you rebuke it is an expression of sharp disapproval of someone’s behavior or actions; a reprimand. The benefits are evident to many but get murky among women.

In previous times the outcry against rebuke was the manner in which it was done. The charge against rebuke has shifted from how the rebuke is done, to it not being utilized at all. No matter how gently it is said, rebuke is still met with hostility. So ingrained is the dislike for correction that there seem to be only one of three options for the person doing the rebuke. To get it out they must, “say how they feel” and face the aftermath, “suffer and seethe quietly,” while resentment grows in the heart, or “avoid the person”, until the intensity of the feelings subside whilst they ignore the objectionable behavior. Part of the challenge with confrontation and rebuke is how it’s perceived. Wanting to “be free to be themselves” and “live their truth”, culture has put a massive stop sign on all calling out of negative behavior. Another issue with rebuke is that it is perceived as a mark against the person as a whole.

There is a struggle with separating the rebuke of the behavior from a judgment against the person. Too often the desire for acceptance gets cocooned into don’t tell me anything is wrong with me just accept. Self-worth is then wrapped in approval and so rebuke is seen as the opposite.

Another reason rebuke is rebuffed is that it is challenging to accept that rebuke comes from love. This challenge exponentially increases if the person rebuking is someone that the rebuked has a history of negative interactions with. Having been burned by rebuke for the sake of tearing down, rebuke becomes a nuclear bomb button. And sometimes there is no desire to change; there is a love for the bad thing. We want to keep the relationship, bad habit, personality deficiency because it makes us feel good. Protecting our enjoyment we reel at the thought of someone scolding us about it and shun them for making a move at our beloved sin issue.

Rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Proverbs 9:8

The mark of true wisdom is knowing that even with good intentions we can mess up. A wise woman sees how rebuke can take them off a wrong path and make them better so they embrace the opportunity for improvement. Once I had to give a student a sanction for breaking a school rule. What began as a conversation about what was the cause of the misbehavior quickly deteriorated into hands akimbo and terseness in the voice. In my role as a disciplinarian, I reprimanded the behavior and admonished the student to do better. I acknowledged the frustration with being in trouble but pointed to the fact that maintaining respect was paramount even in frustration.

Two days later the student came to my office in compliance with the behavior modification program she was placed on. Expecting just a completion of the task I was surprised that the student came to my desk and expressed thanks for my rebuke. She spoke of how she processed the rebuke with her parents and realized how her behavior was less than honorable and not in keeping with the kind of woman she wanted to be. She then thanked me for the reprimand did her task and then left.

Godly rebuke serves the purpose of building up, not just pointing out wrongs. So to those who bravely see their sister not walking in the full potential as a woman of God whether out of ignorance or blatant rebellion, speak up. She will not stop being late, dating men who are wrong for her, or procrastinating and delaying her destiny unless someone who loves her calls her up out of it.

Some of us have become passive in trying to not be too harsh. Having been told repeatedly that our way of handling rebuke is too much, we relegate ourselves to silence and let our sister do as she pleases. But being able to humbly accept and acknowledge wrongs is as important as how the rebuke is presented. Timing is important. Choosing what battles you address is important, but a wise woman accepts there is a need for behavior change and is open to being routed towards better.

Write down exactly what you need to say to help you say the correct things. Provide options and let them know you love them and that this rebuke doesn’t mean you think less of them. Prayerfully approach your sister to empower her not just to point out her wrongs. Because ….better is open rebuke than hidden love. Prov. 27:5.

Peace Keeping vs Peace Making.

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